Tuesday, May 7, 2013

WALL 'O TEXT ALERT - 3 busses, 1 ferry, 3 jeepneys, one motorbike and a short walk to my destination. 29 hours. Where the hell am I, what the hell is going on, seriously.

I left Sagada at 5AM on Tuesday, April 5th and arrived at my destination (Tuna Joe Backpackers and Condo's in Puerto Galera on Mindoori) at 9AM on Wednesday, April 6th. What strange ride. And it wasn't even weird until I arrived in Mindoori.

Hold on, let me warn you: If you are in any way offended by gay sex, stop reading.


That doesn't mean what it sounds like. Or does it? I report, you decide.

Let me start at the beginning. I left Sagada at 5AM. The ~5 hour bus ride took me to Bagio. There, I asked a guard how to get to Manila. He told me it was too far, that I should take a taxi. "Screw you" I whispered to myself after walking far enough away that he couldn't hear me. "I'll get a jeepney, instead."

Sidenote: A jeepney, for those who don't know (Pretty much everyone?), is basically a jeep/bus hybrid that costs *much* less than taxis. For instance, I previously took a taxi from where I staying in Manila to the bus station for 400 Pisos, about $10USD. On my way back from the bus station on a jeepney, I paid 8 Pisos, which is about... 20 cents USD. Granted, I had to walk 6 blocks from where he dropped me off, but the point is that jeepneys are cheaper than taxis.

Anyway, I tell the jeepney driver where I want to go: Victory Liner station. He then takes me down to a bus station. I walk around for ten minutes, looking at all the busses before asking and being told that I had to take a taxi to get there. "Screw that," I muttered. "I'll take a jeepney." So I go to the road and ask another jeepney driver. He says he doesn't go there, and to go to the other side of the road. So I go to the other side of the road and ask another jeepney driver. He tells me to go to the other side of the road, so I hail down a fucking taxi and have him take me to Victory Liner station.

That bus ride took me from Bagio to... Cabau? Idk, it took 6 hours to get there. So let's see, that brings us to... around 6PM, at which point I need to get to Batangas City, the jumping off point to Puerto Galera. So the bus ride there take about... 3.5 hours, maybe 4? I don't know, I was tired. So I arrive at the port of Batangas City, and enter the queue to purchase tickets to Puerto Galera... but there ARE no tickets to Puerto Galera, because those only go on sale earlier in the day rather than at 11PM. There are only tickets to Calapan, which I am later told is a two hour drive from Puerto Galera. Oh well, I have a room reserved in Puerto Galera already (I am not a clever man), so I press onward.

Gilbert and Joann, a soon-to-be-wed couple, chatted with me for a bit on the roughly 3 hour ferry ride to Calapan. Since they were awesome people, they invited me onto their family's jeepney and gave me a free ride to a jeepney stop which would start the day at... 4AM. Or 6AM. I'm pretty sure I heard different reports from the same people. It was a little before 2AM at the time. Anyway, there is a bar right behind the stop, so I go in, order a beer and sit down to read.

This is where shit got weird.

Twice, an older woman pushed a younger couple onto the floor to get them to dance. I don't think that's weird, but maybe she was doing it for my benefit. I only say that because later on, the older woman said, "Hiii" as she walked past. I smiled, said "Hi", and went back to reading. Then, my Kindle battery alerted me that it was going to die, so I asked if I could plug into the wall. The bartender said I could, and another barkeep helped move my things. Then, the barkeep got chatty. He started the usual questions: Where I was from, whether I was alone, what my job was, the usual. Then he asked for my number. He had this strange shit-eating grin on his face and I'm a suspicious guy, so I figured he was up to something, but I paid 40 Pisos ($1USD) for the sim card, so who the hell cares.

"But Jim," you ask. "Why did you give him your email?"

Somehow, that seemed safer at the time. I don't know, shut up, stop asking questions. Anyway, I ask him why he wants my number. He says maybe he wants to ask my advice on something. I ask what, and he gets all weird, as if his coworkers or customers wouldn't be cool hearing what he has to ask me. I ask how much a water is, he says it can be free. I take the water and drink the damn thing because: free (unopened) water.

So eventually, I realize the boy is gay and that he's not looking for advice. He's 20, btw. I figure hey, I'll let him ask his question. What's the harm? I don't want to scare the kid. Hell, I'll show him some acceptance, the poor bastard. So I-

-But wait, hold on, some other guy keeps talking to me. I mention where I'm headed and he offers to drive me there on his tricycle (it's a 1.5-2 hour drive, and he's wasted) for only 500 Pisos (I ended up paying 120 for two jeepneys and a motorbike ride)! I turn him down roughly thirty-five times, not including my rejections of his offer to come stay in his house (He has three/four/five vacant rooms. It's free, man!) as well as his offer to take me to see the sights for free. Eventually, I accept his offer so he'll leave. I have no intention of calling him. Ever.

So I get back to talking with Gaybo. They're closing up, so I go out to a gazebo outside. He joins me and asks... questions. I let him ask them. Why not? What harm could it possibly do?

No, I won't have sex with you. No, you cannot give me a blowjob. No, you cannot touch my penis. No, seriously, you cannot touch it. No, I did not just pitch a tent. No, you cannot see my penis. No, I do not want to take a piss with you.

Pretty standard stuff, I guess.

At some point, he told me he was a blogger who blogged about sex. Y'know, orgies and stuff. He wanted to blog about me, but just *couldn't* if I didn't tell him the details. I had to decline to answer about the length of my penis or how much I masturbate per day. OH RIGHT, I forgot that he asked me if he could stay with me if he came to Puerto Galera.

Eventually, the jeepney drivers finally showed up, so I went over to wait. He called me on the phone (I was forty yards away) and he kept asking questions. Eventually, I got off the phone. He came over shortly after with his friends and said to take a van instead. They guaranteed it would be 100 Pisos (what I was probably going to pay for the jeepney) and a much better ride. I figure if they wanted to do something to me, they couldn't since they were scrawny, so I walk over to discover that he wants me to ride on the tricycle/sidecar with them over to the van. There are four people that intend to cram onto this thing. He also informs me that he is going to Puerto Galera.

I decline the ride and finally, gods be thanked, he leaves. He called or texted at some other point to tell me he missed me. He also texted to tell me he was masturbating.

Pretty standard stuff, I guess.

Anyway after that, I got on a jeepney with 12 people, boxes of live crabs, dead prawns, dead clams, and god knows what else, followed by another jeepney with roughly the same cargo. Then a motorbike. I had to piss pretty much the entire time. Now, I'm here at Tuna Joe's. The toilets don't flush, the screen on the window broke when I tried to close it, one of the cabinet doors is broken, there is no wi-fi (the internet ad said there was wi-fi), and I smell like sodomized roadkill. So far, Puerto Galera gets an F+.

Time for a shower, some food, a swim, and... more showering. I feel really dirty.

Vote: How can I best prevent the situation I found myself in with Gaybo?

UPDATE: The showers use saltwater and there is a human molar on the bathroom floor.


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